Poseidon

To start off, I’ll admit that I have not seen the original Poseidon Adventure, or read the book it was based on. All I knew going into the film is that an expensive boat sinks and that Shelly Winters did a good job in the 1972 film. I also knew that Wolfgang Peterson, who knows a little bit about making water movies like Das Boot and The Perfect Storm, directed it. I went in with low expectations, which has sometimes allowed me to be pleasantly surprised with mediocre movies. This was not one of those times. Even at a mere 100 minutes, I was praying for this film to end and put me out of this misery.

The film started promising enough with the quick introductions of our ‘heroes.’ Kurt Russell (Backdraft), Richard Dreyfuss (Jaws), Emmy Rossum (Phantom of the Opera), Mia Maestro (Alias), Freddy Rodriguez (Six Feet Under) and Kevin Dillon (Entourage). I like these people, especially the TV ones; this movie may not be mind-numbingly dull after all. Then we're introduced to Josh Lucas (Glory Road, Stealth, Hulk), who in my opinion is one of the worst actors of our generation. I don’t find him charming, intense or a believable human being. He needs to learn something called emoting. Oh yeah, we also meet the mother and son who make the dumbest choices known to man, including running off and being attracted to Josh Lucas.

Now I’m someone who is willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to movies but I found myself marveling at the sheer idiocy and implausibility of the many heroic acts. They were diving into depths unaware of the obstacles below, they were adding more weight to an already shaky zip line and they were holding their breath a lot longer than David Blaine. The most unfortunate part for me is that they killed the jerk off near the beginning. When it comes to survival movies, what is this obsession with killing off the unlikable character so early on? Speilberg had the lawyer be the first course in Jurassic Park, and Poseidon follows suit by having the jerk be one of the first to go. Wouldn’t it have been more fun to watch the jerk, who are often the comic relief, screw everyone over only to get his comeuppance at the end of the film? I think so.

Anyway, I would say avoid this movie at all costs. I don’t think it even deserves a rental. Maybe you can watch it when it comes out on network television and yell bitingly sarcastic comments at the screen, much like Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Then at least it would be good for something.